Since I was maybe 10 years old, I've had this certain feeling. This feeling I can best describe as emptiness. What's empty? Certainly not my head. My thoughts are always racing around, driving me insane. It's difficult to put into words. Everyday for all of these years I've felt removed from every situation and setting. Not in the way you think, but in a physical, literal way. If I thought it was bad years ago, it's gotten unbearable since Sophomore year. In fact, it worsens every day. You - hopefully - have no idea how it feels to be a ghost floating around in an empty shell and trying to act "fine". It's so much worse than sadness. I'm no more than a spectator of myself. This presents an impossible-to-solve issue when more and more expectations are being put on me recently. While everyone won't shut up about college and careers and sex and marriage and religion and money and power and jealousy and hate and war, I'm still trying to figure out feeling present in my own life again. It's the most ridiculous thing to describe, but I know I used to feel so much differently years ago. It wasn't always this way. This isn't normal. This isn't healthy. This is ruining my life and causing my death. I see no future for myself. I no longer want a future for myself. I struggle to just barely function each day as a high school student and lame excuse for a friend and family member. How the hell am I supposed to have a career and a house and a significant other and all of these typical things when I feel detached from myself and all that's around me?
It's not just that these things seem impossible to achieve, it's the fact that I know I won't enjoy these things. I am more than capable of accomplishing challenging things. However, I see no reason to continue struggling to do these things when I won't enjoy the outcome. So many people in this world continue existing - not living - simply because that's what they've been told to do. We're expected to sit down, shut up, and comply with the fuckery that we humans have created for ourselves. It gets harder and harder daily to continue with the pointless small talk and parties and events that mean so much to so many - what their lives revolve around. I see no use in "making a living" without even enjoying life. Please don't get me wrong here - I've made more of an effort to continue living than you'll realize. This doesn't seem to matter. This horrible thing that has me trapped in its claws makes it so difficult to be a proper friend and daughter, despite my best intentions and genuine love for my family and friends. I'm aware of my off-putting awkward behavior and the way that I always come off as rude, no matter what. I feel so sorry for those who have to put up with me. It's not your fault. I should be capable of being a normal fucking person, but of course I mess up even that. I can't control myself as I twitch and make noises and look off into the distance for too long, humiliating you and I both. My existence isn't fair to others. It's cruel.
As all of these expectations continue to pile up by the second, I've truly tried my best to search for a purpose in all of this nonsense. I just don't understand what brings others purpose. Fame and money don't matter to me anymore. I can't behave normally enough to have a family and stable friends. Serving in the military is just serving a corrupt system that sees you as an expendable piece of meat. I've never been the best at taking orders and shutting up, anyway. School doesn't make me feel accomplished anymore, just exhausted and inferior to the ego-maniac fuckers who want me to feel that way. I hate being in a world where so many take the utmost pleasure in watching us suffer. This applies to everything in life, not just school. I feel so lost and misplaced. I feel just as lonely in a crowded room as I do alone, maybe even more so. I can barely tolerate being around other people at this point. Every little sound and sight of them pushes me to the edge. I couldn't tell you where I belong, but it definitely isn't here.
I'm sure that an apology won't mean anything in this situation. Please realize that this wasn't easy for me to do. Not because of my wellbeing, but because of yours. There are no words for how unfair this is to you. I know that, and I've tried for so long to fight this and not leave you. You may think it's just been a few years, but each day feels infinite with this disease. I can only take so much. I feel everything. It hurts. I'm weak, unlike you. That's why I know it will be difficult for you to understand. To tell you the truth, I don't understand either. I've reached a point of desperation that's a point of no return. Again, I can't emphasize enough how this sickness came from my own head, not my environment. Many people have treated me with so much kindness and respect. You know who you are, and I love you so much. I need you to realize that this isn't a tragedy in my eyes. I feel excited for the first time in so long when I think of my death. Death is no end, just another beginning. What I need more than any superficial, material thing is a new beginning. We will meet again, and it will be better this time. I need a major reset, then maybe I can be to you who I always should have been. Please forgive me. I love you.
RamblesRight click and copy link address to new tab if link not working